From: evansg@uproar.enet.dec.com (Gwyn Evans @ IME)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d
Subject: REPOST:  Answering Machine Messsages LIST
Message-ID: <1992Mar13.170630.502@rdg.dec.com>
Date: 13 Mar 92 17:06:30 GMT
Sender: news@rdg.dec.com (Mr News)
Reply-To: evansg@uproar.enet.dec.com (Gwyn Evans @ IME)
Organization: Digital Equipment Service Industries Solutions
Company Ltd
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The Canonical List of Telephone Answering Machine Messages

"Hi! I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am..." *beep*

"You've reached the B&D hotline. All our operators are tied-up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance."

(1) "Hello, this is Ron. (pause) Hello? Hello!!? Nah, just kidding. This is an answering machine. (etc.)" (2) "Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil." (background noise - open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) "OK, what would you like me to tell me?" Also, something you might do after you've had the machine for a few months is start answering in person with "Hello, this is a live voice." (Variation on a theme by "The Cosby Show".) Or you could try answering your own phone with "Hello, is Ron there?"

"We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval."

"You have reached the , Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missle Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of targets and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day."

"Hello?" "Sorry, he's not here right now, but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you."

"Hello. This is Chris. John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can."

[imitating Ensign Chekov] "Oh, sair...it was *Khan*! He made us say things...do things...he kept us from answering the phone! But Keptin was strong, and if you leave your name and number, Keptin will get back to you as soon as he can!"

[imitating Mr. Rogers] "Hello. I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure...I knew you could." Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if... Matt: Steve, what are you doing? Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here. Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn. Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn. Matt: No, you're incorrect. It's definitely my turn. Steve: You fool. I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing with that frying pan?!? BONK [really loud thud] Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.

"Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?" "This is (#include phone.addr). We are not ... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window breaking) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later."

"Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......"

A friend of mine at school has this message, read by three people while the STAR TREK theme plays in the background. 1: Room 17, the final frontier. 2: These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its 2 semester mission: to seek out your name and your telepohne number. 3: To boldly inform you to wait for the tone. (Annoying flute music in background) Good day, Jim. Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name,number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.

"Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name ...", etc.

"Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer."

In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a confession. At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession I will get back to you with your pennance. Thank you and may God go with you.

Hi this is . I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.

A friend was at a mutal friend's sister's house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravely, horror- film voice he recorded, "HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING BETTER."

I worked for a bit in the coastguard in Wales and I used to send weather reports to other bases, using a sort of antique FAX machine. I would call first on a special telephone and then send the data. They used to answer the phone with: " Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking." " Hartland home for lost whores." (that was Hartland CG) " Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?" " Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct: T minusone minute and counting" And then there was one phone we didn't use, with a number one off that of the local take-out. With my, non-British, accent I had some great fun with that phone. "Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?" (silence...click) "Vancouver coastguard, may I help you." British long distance rates are phenomenonal and I had this poor dude sputtering with horror that he had managed to make a long distance call by dialing five digits.

Noisy pick-up of phone Uh... Hello? Hi, I 'm a burgular and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll..uh, I'll post it on the 'frige where he'll see it. Uh.. by the way, where did you say you live?

But right now I'm using "This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway." because I'm sick of people ringing the phone at 10am just so they can hear the clever messages I usually have, and then hanging up without even leaving a "like your message" message. Feh! [Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is supercilious ...}

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow- wow real fast.

Also, on the subject of answering machins, my favorite tape was: "This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message." Really confused people.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future....

Hello. I can't come to the phone now because--HEY, GEORGE! DON'T STAND ON THAT--goddam. ...because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over ...BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH THAT!...over for dinner. After the tone...BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG...MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! .shit...Leave a message after the tone...HEY, FUCKHEAD...

Hello. Lindsey's not home now--this is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.

"Hi! You have reached 579-7599. This is an answering machine. This is the Eighties. You know what to do."

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Ring, Ring: The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the new number is xxx-xxxx (again, your number). CULATA!

"Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! (your name here) can't come to the phone right now, because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera..."

One day I had a borrowed Casio sampler toy and used it to create a rather interesting one: Hello. You have reached Tooooommmmmm Tom Tm! Tom and MaMaMaMarMMMMaark's room. Tom is studying ssttuuddyyiinngg sssssssssssss and MaMark isn'isn'isn'isn't here. isn't here. P-P-Pleas! leave a messssssssage. Goodbye. 'bye! bye!bbyebybyyeyeyebbye {byes repeating at all different pitches}

Last year my roommate had a machine but he hated to make the outgoing message. Stage fright, I guess. So I usually made them. One that we usually used during exam time was: {background music: Billy Joel's _Pressure_ very loud} Hello. You have reached Tom and Mark's room. We're a little busy now... { BJ screams PRESSURE!!! } So, leave a message and we'll get back to you someday after (exam end date) { BJ: ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE!!! followed by a very out-of-tune BEEP! }

My favorite message that I ever had was the *real* message I recorded off 1-800-CALL-SPY, the U.S. army snitching network. Try it, its a great recording (call after 5 pm for the message). [Give it try! - pZ]

In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans. Hi,... You've just reached {name} pleasure palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell but when we're done... we'llget back to you in whatever way we can. You wouldn't believe how much explaining my mother wanted on that one...

[b.g. music is frantic, violin oriented] "hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. please leave a message..." etc.

[the quiet, eerie vocal part of 'hello, earth' by kate bush] (after about 30 seconds): "hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we can't come to the phone right now because we're at vespers. please leave a message..." etc. (30 more seconds of music before the beep.)

(Spoken in a granny voice) "Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot." Must be spoken in a drawl.

Well, this isn't strictly from an answering machine, but... >From Calvin and Hobbes: (phone rings) (you answer) Hello, this is <...> speaking. I'd like a large pizza with extra anchovies. (other person) What? (you reply) Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number. (hang up) Make everyone's day a little more surreal.

"I'm home right now . . . I'm just screening my calls. So just start talking and if you're someone I want to speak to I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. [sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex] But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... [sound effect: dial tone] Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops,it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!

"Hi, you have reached .... Please leave your name, phone number and a message and if we like it we will return your call".

However, the most effective one I have had so far can be used only one day per year: "This is David. I'm not using the phone over Yom Kippur, so please leave a message or call back after the holiday." No one wants to admit not having realized it was Yom Kippur or not knowing I would pick one holiday from the whole calendar on which to get observant, so everyone hangs up and leaves me no bad news or requests for favors.

"This is David. Talk."

"Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one."

[with a kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra" in the background...] "Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached..." [YA-DAAAAAAAAA!] "...the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can."

"Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number..."

"Hello?" "Sorry, he's not here right now, but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you."

(woman taped off a "phone sex" service) WOMAN : (seductively) Hi. I'm Linda. You know, it can be really lonely when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to ... YOU : (interupting) Oh cmon, Linda, give me the damn phone.. (then ask for a message) Just after the earthquake a friend of mine put on his answering machine: "Hi, this is Jeff. We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed in the Earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually." BEEP My favorite post quake message: "Hi, we're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got."

"Hello, I'm not hear right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner."

Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!... uh huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I'll call you back. (this ran for a while until a friend threatened to kill us after she said she had a 2 minute conversation with the machine.)

"Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges."

"Speak, worm!" Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice.

"You know what to do at the tone." "Hello?" This confuses anyone who doesn't know you.

"Hello, I'm not here." A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it with "Okay, that's all I wanted to know."

Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John (Chris's boyfriend), Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the .... pope. Yeah that's it. One voice: I didn't expect an answering machine. Another voice: Nobody expects an answrering machine. Our chief use is to get your name. And phone number. Our two chief uses are to get your name and phone number. And message. (damn) Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message. And time you called. Oh, damn, we'll have to start over. No--no time for that, so just wait for the beep.

(in an Italian mafia-style tone:) "Hello. I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little...